it was all a lie

There is no doubt that our journey as foster parents has literally put us  through hell and back when it comes to our experience with the foster system.

Most people know an overview of our story and see bits and pieces of what we endure, but I have yet to be completely transparent with how we have actually been treated and what experiences we have gone through with DHS. until now….

I remember a time when we were so excited to begin our journey to become parents. We knew right away that things wouldn’t be easy, not every placement would be a “for keeps” baby, but we knew this was our only shot at one day having a forever baby. The money that we received from our wedding ( a fairly decent amount) went towards an egress window ( required by law) and towards gathering items to complete a nursery. In the back of my mind I wished we could spend the money on us and not on a window, but we knew it would be worth it.

As we began the journey, it all seemed so easy. They promised a support system, quality case workers, a no stress mindset if we signed up for foster care. Looking back, I should have known the background checks, endless paperwork, reference letters, and fingerprinting was a beginning sign of the headaches foster parenting would bring us.

The truth is, since our very first placement, nothing has been easy. I have given up my career, flushed money down the drain, and gone through thousands of tylenol in hopes of helping my endless headache all this has been, to try and be the parent and foster parent they wanted us to be.

Going through each individual case is a moot point now. I can only bring up what we are experiencing in the here and now. I can only be truthful with the feelings that I harbor in my mind and heart right now.

This isn’t about the children we have helped, because honestly, that’s a lie. As a person you can keep telling yourself that’s what foster parents do, is help children. In reality, we are the best thing for them, and the system blatantly wastes millions in tax payers dollars and precious time of people who have a genuine love for children.. all on the people in society who aren’t worth it.

Excuse my language here, but shit is about to hit the fan. and sadly, I am most certain our journey as  {foster} parents is coming to an abrupt end.

The case with little girl has been the final straw, a long time coming. We are left with situations that are out of our control, a lack of support, and two exhausted parents who have had meals burned, an anniversary ruined all because those promises made way back when were a lie. In the last week, I have been yelled at by a case worker, lied to, and expected to give my every waking second for a child that isn’t even mine.

Little girl was removed due to neglect and some other serious allegations. She is lacking immensely. At 2 years old, she is a whopping 23 lbs and severely malnourished. She has many needs that the case worker is mandating that many people would not be able to drop everything in their life for. Unfortunately, the goal is still reunification.

I am only 1 person. I have a job, medical needs, a husband, a home, a life…. no one should be expected to deal with the drama like we have.

There are genuine concerns that need to be brought to the table, yet no one sees them as being legit or necessary to address in a timely fashion. We have been mistreated and left made fools.The entire foster system screams disorganized.

Some may see this as us giving up. Call it what you will, but the stress that we are dealing with us much bigger than myself, my husband and our marriage. I want so desperately want to become a mother, but I cant continue this.

I am honestly not sure where we will be in a couple of weeks, or how long little girl will be with us, but we have checked out.  be thinking of her. ultimately she will go back to the shit conditions, lack of attention and its sad that she may be sentenced to that life after having us for months.

We are sorry to have failed you all who believed in us , those who thought we could stick through the placements in hopes of adopting via foster care. This is just too big..

please send all the baby and money dust possible. adoption is not an option for us, and our last chance at becoming parents lies in our surrogates body and the money to pay for surrogacy.

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A woman so selfless

This post is unlike any other I have published before. Take a moment, grab a snack, sit back and allow me to tug at your heart for a few minutes.

As an infertile woman, it seems as if everyone around me is pregnant. Each and every day, there seems to be a new ultrasound photo popping up on my news feed. The large round bellies in every aisle I walk through at the market. Some women are truly blessed to be able to conceive and carry a life so precious.
I walk down the street, through the mall and market. The truth is, I don’t know the stories of the women who pass by with pregnant bellies, some may not want to be pregnant, others cherish every moment of the pregnancy, some may place their child for adoption, and others(as oddly as it may initially sound)may be carrying a child for someone else.

This is a story of the woman carrying a child for someone else.

When I began my quest on how to become a mommy, I came across a certain type of women on the internet and around my area. A woman who so selflessly, thinks of the women in the world, like me, who will never be able to feel a child grow in their body. A woman who thinks of others, like those who have an ache to become a mother so badly, that they are willing to share their bodies in order to allow a couple to fulfill their wish of becoming parents. A surrogate mother.
I never knew such women existed in this world. It wasn’t until my cries to become a mommy came out, that I had friends willing to carry a baby for me. A selfless gesture that brought tears to my eyes each at each and every offer. Offers that couldn’t ever be, simply for the fact that Michigan has a law, a law that states that we could go to prison if we enter such a contract.
The initial first contact with surrogacy is intimidating, the laws alone are difficult to navigate and wordy, contracts need to be in place, insurance purchased, a plan, and much more.

Carrying a baby is a precious blessing. Thinking to carry a baby for someone else who will then become the happiest parent alive is even more of a precious blessing.

What if I told you I know of such a woman, one who has a dream, a life mission, a passion to become OUR surrogate. A woman who, I will never be able to thank enough for presenting us with a gift so absolutely precious. A woman who will forever be the most selfless person I will ever meet. A woman that I want in our Childs life, so that she can show him/her the way of the world, and how he/she stemmed from one selfless act.

There is a woman who chose my husband and I to be the recipient of an act so miraculous, selfless, so amazing. ( who we will reveal, when the time is right) Please bare with us, as we begin our surrogacy journey. As we reach out to those who we care about so much for prayers, emotional support, finding a way to make this journey come true, begin the task of planning fundraisers, seeking public support, and obtaining a gofundme account ( http://www.gofundme.com/kudcdc )

I cannot wait to see how our journey unfolds as we open what’s left of our ever broken hearts and give her the rest of it to help fulfill our dreams of becoming forever parents.

A new post coming in the near future on how YOU can help us, whether it be monetarily, physically with our fundraising events, or ways to share our story. for now, share our blog, our go fundme account and spread the word. 🙂
with love
J+A

just maybe….

I remember when my doctor and I talked about the need for a hysterectomy. The decision seemed easy, at the time my health was the most important thing. The idea of having a baby seemed distant. Heck, the conception process alone was going to be time consuming, rough on my ever aching pelvis and body…. It seemed like a no-brainer.

I was single… My health trumped it all.

Fast forward a few years, now an almost married woman, and someone with the ache to become a mom.

Thinking of the initial calls made still make me cry. I spoke with numerous agencies about adoption, we would need a lot of money. I dug deeper, surrogacy, even more expensive.  $35-40,000 seemed like a lot of money. Money we would not have for a long time, if ever.

Fast forward…. A married woman with her handsome groom.

If we were going to remain a happily married couple, spending that much money and stretching our monthly budget to that limit was not the option.

the exact moment of when the idea of fostering to adopt Came to us is a bit vague to me. It seemed logical. $35,000 was a lot of money. Free (little to no monetary cost) was enticing.

We created a plan, did significant research, spoke to our family, got disrespected by some, praised by others. Despite the culmination of feelings, we were doing it, fostering was our only logical option.

We opened our lives, secrets, home, and felt the most vulnerable I think we will ever feel in our entire lives. The paperwork was endless, the training was draining. Having a baby in our home was going to happen, but not before everything was exposed.

We were reassured, adoptions from foster care happen all the time. Biology wasn’t a necessity, a baby or child would happen from foster care.

Looking back now, I clearly didn’t research enough. I wanted a quick fix to calm my ache. I wanted to feel that endless love.

What I didn’t know, is that approximately only 10% of children are terminated rights from their parents. The odds of forever aren’t  in our favor.

I don’t have to remind you of our 3 failed placements. How 3 times we have lost a piece of our hearts. 3 boys hold them in the lower Michigan region. The battle we face on any given day is awful, the memories, emotional turmoil, the caseworkers who dictate us.

My heart hurts, I’m bitter, angry and sad. I am the one person I never wanted to be..The one thing I want so badly I cannot have.

There was once a time when $35,000 seemed like a lot. A set of numbers that maybe I overlooked too quickly…

Now, I’m not so sure,  what if $35,000 could get us a forever in a way we never imagined? Is it worth it? Maybe, just maybe it’s worth it?