Catching up

Oh my! It has been quite a long time since I have been around to update. Life happens and I had every intention of posting a note or two, but sadly, it didn’t happen.

Theres quite a bit to say, and probably not enough time to put it all into words.

Can I be honest? I have been in a slump.

As foster parents we feel worn out, tired of the system.

As a couple we ache to become forever parents via adoption. It hasn’t happened and we are exhausted.

Today marks a very special 6 months.

On this day in March, we became parents. It was a moment we envisioned sharing with everyone, yet it was taken from us so rapidly, that I don’t think we have processed it or try to even explain it to others anymore.

Let me explain…

My husband and myself are licensed foster parents a well as a waiting family with Bethany Christian Services. We are attempting to adopt domestically with them. This means that a woman who is facing unplanned pregnancy can go to an adoption agency ( preferably Bethany) and make an adoption plan for her unborn child. She is able to choose the family she would like to raise her baby. We have been waiting for just over a year now, and sadly have not been matched.

We thought that if we fostered as well that through some way ( foster or domestic adoption) we would be able to become parents, but it hasn’t happened yet.

During our 6 months waiting, a longtime friend approached us. She was pregnant and unable to parent the baby inside of her. She was choosing US to become the adoptive parents to her unborn son. She was due in July. Unfortunately, she went into preterm labor at 24.5 weeks. Our son, Aaron was born too soon. He only survived in the NICU a few short days.I was able to be  his mommy on earth for only a short time. A moment I will always treasure in my heart. March was a whirlwind month and a month that we don’t want to forget, yet something we simply try not to think about at certain times.

I am a mother. My son lives in Heaven. A selfless woman made me a mother via adoption. Yet, he is not in my arms. I feel betrayed, lost and most of all, I am hurt.

Our son would be 6 months old today.

Where are we now? We have moved on, well as much as we can.

Our home is still a licensed foster home and we are parents to two very amazing kiddos.

The pregnant teenager, J, had her baby in late August and is living with another foster family.

We now have a artistic 13 yr old who has the most stunning eyes and a teeny tiny preemie baby boy who has been the love of our lives since July 10.

Life has been busy, messy, and chaotic, but I can’t imagine it any other way. I can’t wait to share more from our summer adventures soon!

Stay tuned.

 

 

 

A fresh start

2016

Whoa! It’s hard to believe that the years fly by as fast as they do. When I take a moment and stop the hurry up and go daily life I realize just how much my husband and I have accomplished since we married in 2013. We have overcome hurdles, completed some minor home renovations, planted roots in our community, created friendships, been through TWO home studies ( 1 foster care, 1 domestic adoption), became parents, lost children, and now are back full circle to waiting for a tiny human to enter our lives once again; this time for keeps.

2015 had its moments of highs, lows and everything in between. I have taken the past few weeks to reflect who I became and how I want to change as I prepare to become a mother once again.

I woke up to the first day of 2016 and felt this urge to clear out the nursery. It’s mostly set up, but has quickly become a cluttered mess of baby items. Some days working in the nursery gives me the extra patience I need as we sit and wait, while other days it brings me to my knees in tears of loneliness. The clutter over took the glider chair that I use to journal in, and I wanted a fresh start as I begin the new year of continuing to journal letters to our unborn child.

This journal has become by far my favorite part of the whole adoption process. It is my hope that one day, when our son or daughter is old enough to grasp emotions that he/she will be able to gain a better understanding of how much we loved them from the very beginning of this process and the emotions we went through as we waited for months or even years. Some days, I write a lesson that I have learned and I try to reflect that lesson, so that one day when they are faced with a similar situation, they can understand how I processed it and hopefully gain some wisdom from my words. While other days, I write my raw emotions.

Today as we begin the first day of a new chapter ( year), I wanted to take a moment and share one entry that I wrote in regards to patience and timing.

I don’t consider myself a hardcore religious person. My faith sways and some days I feel closer to God, while other days its hard to profess my love for Him. I felt that this entry was applicable to anyone who is struggling with patience and timing. You are not alone.

12-3-15

Sweet Child of Mine, 

The other day I left off by saying that the adoption of you is in God’s hands. He is in complete control of the life he has planned out for your daddy and me and everyone around us. It is my hope that as we prepare our hearts for you that I can properly teach you that we have such a mighty God who is bigger than you, me, or anyone can ever be. It is such a hard concept to learn and honestly I am not sure that  I have fully grasped the concept that I am NOT in control of the bigger picture. God has his own timing and plan for our lives. During the troubling time we don’t always see a clear picture or see a positive outcome, but if you trust in Him, the outcome will unfold to something you cant ever imagine. These thoughts were heavy on my heart today. As your daddy and I wait each day I often have a negative mind that you will never arrive or that an expectant mom will never choose us to be your parents. The reality of it is, I am not in control and somewhere out there in this world there is a baby for your daddy and I. We hope your adoption story will give you the best lesson about how awesome and mighty of a God we have. 

 

May your New Year be filled with everything you ever wished for. It is my hope that all of us waiting for a baby will be granted patience, support and feel surrounded by love as we endure the long days until we get “the call”.