and tonight i’ll fall asleep with you in my heart

There are those monumental moments in life that forever shape who you are becoming in this ever crazy cycle called life.

This morning when I woke up and looked outside our picture window, I saw a shadow. A shadow of myself one year ago standing in the grass sobbing as I took one last look at the little child who made me first time mother for 7 1/2  blissful months

I remember being told the end would hurt. hurt like hell. I remember trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. Cherishing those last days before the end. memorizing every touch, smile, snuggle, tear, words, and moments. Soaking it all in and keeping it locked safe in my brain, so that each and every day I could look back and smile because it happened.

I remember when the worker backed out of our driveway for the last time I didn’t know what to feel, it didn’t seem real. I remember shoving bird at my husband and peeling out of the driveway towards the beach. I remember getting out of the car near the bluff, just above Silver Beach Pizza and screaming. I screamed so hard and loud , I collapsed on the ground until I was numb. My world had just ended and that little boy was gone. forever.

In the beginning I didn’t think back and smile, I looked back and saw the empty car seat, the empty crib, the empty highchair, I looked back to emptiness. I cried for months. The child who made me a mother was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back to our home and into my arms.

Not a day goes by where something doesn’t remind me of baby bug, who, one year later, is less of a baby and more like a active toddler ( or so I imagine) I know that it hurts a lot less than it did one year ago, and I know that I made an impact on his life in ways I will never be able to fathom. I know that this road is harder than I ever imagined it would be, yet, there is a reason I keep going back for more… Lastly, I know if it weren’t for someone like my husband I wouldn’t be able to keep on going through this torture.

I also know, that tonight *and every night, since a year ago* I’ll fall asleep with baby bug in my heart.

Gast-6

Purging the past

I have always been a sentimental person.
If I had to pinpoint why, I would attribute it to being an only child. The extra special attention I received from family always led to extra special gifts. I felt special to be allowed to have an object beyond my years. It was a treasure.
As an adult, I still have items that I keep near and dear to my heart. I know exactly who gave them to me and for what occasion. By no means am I a hoarder of all things, but the special things are very difficult to let go.
Naturally, the same trend would occur for all things baby/child related. We have numerous totes in our basement with clothes. The totes are sized beginning with Baby Bug, Baby Bird, and Bookworms items of clothing. When each child left it took quite a while to pack their belongings. When that time came I remember picking each and every piece and remembering a special moment we had with the child wearing that particular outfit. I know most moms have that same moment with their child’s clothing, but I feel that my memory box is extra full, simply for the fact that when our children wear the outfit I never know when the next time I will see them in it will be.
The totes have been left untouched for months now. When we were placed with our little girl ( name still yet to be determined) we obviously bought different gender clothing. Another reason for those totes to remain untouched.
As the weather changes and I prepare to buy summer clothing for our little girl, and she grows out of the outfits bought for her when we she first came to us, I knew I had to sort through the clothing in our basement to make room for the new. We are also having our surrogate visit next week, and cleaning up is a number one priority.
Its like a band aid, you have to do it fast, or you wont ever do it.
Yesterday I sat in the basement while little girl played. My husband responded ” You cant hold on to the items forever. When we get a new child you will want to buy new things for him. We cant keep these clothes. Its like keeping them for a child who has died.” I didn’t think his words were at all harsh, he was simply speaking what deep in my heart already knew.
The first tote belonged to Bookworm. He was with us the shortest time, but also the most fun time; summer. His cute little t-shirts and plaid shorts were just so adorable. My mind immediately went to park play dates and applying sun block on his skin and long days spent by the water. I could almost feel those moments again.
The task of setting out the clothing in “lots” to sell on our local moms buy/sell page began. I posted the photos and got a response from someone interested in buying whatever I had. I took more photos. grateful to have someone buying them so they would just be gone. We set a date/ time to meet and I took the clothes upstairs to bag them. I came across one set of shorts in particular and brought them to my face. The smell was still there. The sweet smell of the beach, lotion and fun. My heart began to ache. I missed Bookworm all over again.
As each day passes, it gets slightly easier. I miss the boys less and less. There is no doubt that as summer approaches, I will miss Bookworm a little more, after all, Summer 2014 was pretty amazing 🙂
I know that purging the clothes is best for my mind and soul. I cant live with regrets. By purging the past now, I already feel ready to face the future. Whatever comes our way, I’m ready… I think.

Then there were none

With every ounce of me I am trying to hold it together.
Trying to make sense of the past almost year of our lives.
Desperately trying to understand, imagine, wrap my head around what is to come in the next 48 hours.

Chaotic is an understatement of our lives lately. Somewhere between juggling two kids, accepting a part time job (after being a SAHM all summer), quitting said part time job for a full time job at a school teaching ESL students, and establishing new routines, blogging about our journey took the back burner- my sincere apologies.
I assure you, there has not been too much excitement from the children in our home.

I have yet to write out Bug’s arrival or departure story. Bug was our first and each experience is note worthy- maybe later though.
Baby Bird has the same stories to write. For now, I will just touch on what has happened with Bird.

On August 15, our lives changed forever. Baby Bird left our nest to be with a relative placement. Losing one baby in May and another in August has by far been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I found that with the last loss, I am not the same. Life does not mean the same to me as it did before. There are times when I feel fine and other moments when I have to take a second to try and hold myself together. I was in no way prepared to feel what I have felt.

We recently learned that Bookworm’s siblings ( which are in another placement) are being moved to another county. Bookworm will be taking the journey with them. We will be losing bookworm by the end of the week.
Bookworm has not been placed with us very long. Just under 3 months to the date since this bouncing blonde hair blue eyed child walked into our home. He has come a long way and we are so proud of who he has become in the short time with us. He will be missed so much. I already hurt.
This will be the first time since Oct 12, 2013 that we will be just us. no diapers, bottles, middle of the night feeds, ped appointments, daycare drop offs/ pick ups. just two people who have memories of 3 amazing boys who made our house a home.
Honestly, I am not sure how things will be, where to begin in picking up the baby messes or which part of my house to clean first.
I do know that things will never be the same. Recovering from the losses of Summer 2014 will forever be etched in my aching heart.
As we learn to become a couple again, I ask for your patience, love and prayers as we work on our marriage and decide what our next step will be in this journey.