long ago, my alarm would alert me at 4:40am. I would sleepily slide out of bed, change into my workout clothes and make the 5 mile trek to the gym. Every single morning I hated that routine. It never got easier. In fact, I vowed that never again would I allow myself to see that early of the morning.

Fast forward a couple of years and many foster placements later, 4am became a time when someone needed their blankie, or a simple acknowledgement that mommy was still in the house. While I still didn’t enjoy the wee hours, I had adjusted.

Squishy entered our home weighing a tiny 4.5lbs and he required many small feeds. I began seeing all hours of the night for his bottle feeds. With each passing feed, my eyes became more alert and I was able to begin enjoying the quiet. Just me, squishy, and the silence of our cozy home.

As Squishy grows, his feeds become less and less during the sleeping hours. He quickly scheduled and chose 4am to be nightly bottle feeding time.

He fusses, I prepare his bottle, gently grab his cocooned body and we make our way to the living room couch. We sit right in front of our large picture window and snuggle while he drinks his bottle. Just us, our bodies touching and the sounds of him drinking his milk.

4am, my new all time favorite time. It’s just us. together, no caseworker texting, no other family member interrupting, or outside force making its way into our quiet moments.

All my life I longed for a moment like this. A moment that would bring me complete and utter peace within my soul.  Who knew that such a tiny squish could make me appreciate such an early morning that I once vowed I would never let myself see again.

how blessed am I?

Dear 4am,

See you in a few short hours.





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