Lately the irony in our lives has been cruel.
I am a firm believer in “tests” that life hands you.
One can crumble when faced with the proverbial test, or they can face it head on and laugh, cry, kick, and push through it and stare it directly in the face.
Usually I am the latter… except for today. I crumbled like a stale cookie and received a big fat “F” in foster parenting, infertility, and this life test.
Allow me to explain….
Early last week, we received a call about a teenager who we had done some mentoring for this past fall. She was back in care again and this time she is pregnant. For obvious reasons I cannot go into detail. just know that we are dealing with some higher needs and navigating life with not only a teen girl, but a pregnant teen girl. ( I know, there are many who have questions about the future of this child, we cannot go into detail with the case or what will happen to baby)
Honestly, I am not sure why the husband and I agreed to take in this girl, but we felt it was appropriate and said “yes”. This past week going from a couple to a family of 3 has been quite the change for us. The infertile takes in the fertile under her roof and subjects herself to the experience of pregnancy.
One of the big unknowns was the gestation of the baby. All week we prepped teen girl for the upcoming appointment and in the back of my mind I knew what was going to occur at this appointment. This afternoon, we walked into the office and began the new patient paperwork, and began the journey on being a first time foster parent to a teenager who is pregnant. It all seemed to be going well. obtaining history, urine test, background, etc.
We had a huge issue with lab work ( teen girl was terrified. a story for another day) and then it was time for the Ultrasound. Looking back now, I am not sure why I thought I would be mentally prepared enough for what my eyes were about to see. The only Ultrasounds I have ever seen were of my empty uterus and ovaries with numerous cysts, yet in my mind I kept hearing “you got this.”
They lifted her shirt and unbuckled her jeans a bit and placed the jelly on her abdomen. The wand was placed on her belly and the quest for baby began. and there it was. this tiny little jelly bean moving around like a tiny blip. I was overcome with immediate jealously and bitterness. Why couldn’t I experience this? Why was some teenager who has meaningless sex able to carry a life inside her, when here I am broken? I couldn’t handle it. I crumbled. me, the stale cookie, in a million pieces, a blubbering mess. I quietly exited the room to allow her the moment of excitement she was clearly experiencing.
I sat on the other side of the wall and sobbed. I sobbed for myself, for the baby, for everything. I could hear the excitement in her voice when they announced that she is approx 8-9 weeks along. She is just a baby, who is having baby. and millions of women are experiencing loss of that gift. yet, somehow this girl has been placed in my care. Irony at its finest.
I want to experience motherhood so badly and I feel like life keeps teasing me with this scenarios of hope, only to take it away and leave me feeling empty inside.
After a while, I composed myself, texted a good friend of mine who had the right words to say. I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and walked back into that room.
The rest of the evening has been quiet around here. I think we are all a little shocked from today.
This is just the beginning of a very long road. The ironic moments are just beginning, just like this new life inside her.
Thank goodness for wine, friends, and running.