and tonight i’ll fall asleep with you in my heart

There are those monumental moments in life that forever shape who you are becoming in this ever crazy cycle called life.

This morning when I woke up and looked outside our picture window, I saw a shadow. A shadow of myself one year ago standing in the grass sobbing as I took one last look at the little child who made me first time mother for 7 1/2  blissful months

I remember being told the end would hurt. hurt like hell. I remember trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. Cherishing those last days before the end. memorizing every touch, smile, snuggle, tear, words, and moments. Soaking it all in and keeping it locked safe in my brain, so that each and every day I could look back and smile because it happened.

I remember when the worker backed out of our driveway for the last time I didn’t know what to feel, it didn’t seem real. I remember shoving bird at my husband and peeling out of the driveway towards the beach. I remember getting out of the car near the bluff, just above Silver Beach Pizza and screaming. I screamed so hard and loud , I collapsed on the ground until I was numb. My world had just ended and that little boy was gone. forever.

In the beginning I didn’t think back and smile, I looked back and saw the empty car seat, the empty crib, the empty highchair, I looked back to emptiness. I cried for months. The child who made me a mother was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back to our home and into my arms.

Not a day goes by where something doesn’t remind me of baby bug, who, one year later, is less of a baby and more like a active toddler ( or so I imagine) I know that it hurts a lot less than it did one year ago, and I know that I made an impact on his life in ways I will never be able to fathom. I know that this road is harder than I ever imagined it would be, yet, there is a reason I keep going back for more… Lastly, I know if it weren’t for someone like my husband I wouldn’t be able to keep on going through this torture.

I also know, that tonight *and every night, since a year ago* I’ll fall asleep with baby bug in my heart.

Gast-6

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