Thoughts on Agency Adoption

April 27,2010; the day my life was changed forever. A day where in a matter of hours I became part of a percentage of  stats that no women should ever be part of.

Infertility is tricky, there is alot to learn, understand and decide.
When I met my husband, telling him I was infertile was the hardest thing. He embraced the challenge and has proven to be a team player in every way since.
We have had many discussions about how we would like to become parents. We discussed foster to adopt, agency adoption and surrogacy.
Becoming a parent is such an intimate act. Inviting others into that moment because you are infertile is interesting to say the least.
I have learned that there aren’t any right or wrong ways to become a parent. What works for some won’t work for others, and that’s okay, it’s not their journey to judge or understand.
As we begin our parenting journey, my visions have changed drastically, what I once thought would work isn’t and what I never thought I could do, I’m currently doing.
This weekend, we met up with our surrogate. This makes our second time seeing eachother. The feeling of excitement, familiarity, and growing bond reassures me that our decision to choose surrogacy over agency adoption was the best choice for us.
I have nothing against adoption. Adoption is a beautiful thing. Every year thousands of children are placed for adoption into loving homes of people who are just like my husband and I. that’s beautiful.
We have had so many people say “why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption isn’t that easy. I want to address the misconceptions that we have discovered first hand and why its not a good fit for us personally.
When we began our quest on gathering information for adoption, it opened our eyes to something we knew wasn’t for us.
Personally, I have a huge issue with the cost. I was left dumbfounded when I heard a voice on the other end of the phone say ” our fee is a nominal $35,000. In addition to money placed in an escrow account for the birth mother.  A fee of which is non refundable, should the mother choose to parent the child.”
Excuse me, what? I couldn’t hang up the phone fast enough. Adoption is a great thing,  putting your trust 100% into a super risky situation is tough. Especially when the funds are already sparse.
My husband and I have heard so many horror stories of agencies disappearing after the initial deposits being paid and you are “waiting ” for a placement. We also have heard of a number of failed attempts. Where the adoptive family was matched, money was paid and when delivery time came, birth mom had no intention of placement or changed her mind. That money was gone. They were left with an emptier bank account and an empty nursery.  my heart  breaks for those left with those feelings and heartache.

My husband and I aren’t rich . We are just an average couple with a tiny quirky home. As we began browsing the agencies, we were encouraged to browse the competition other waiting families. I suddenly felt so inadequate. These families were gorgeous, their homes equally as well. Some had photos of their huge kitches, lake homes ( that were just waiting for a baby to fill it), expensive cars and super model looking parents. How would we ever compare? My tiny old home was nothing compared to that. I began feeling angry. I felt like my husband suddenly wasn’t good enough for me, like I could have done better. That’s not the point of marriage or parenting. My life is perfect, I was letting the images of perfection jade me. chalk up another reason why I couldn’t embark on this journey. I knew birth parents would be looking at all types of families, but when I compared myself to what was out there, there was no comparison.

Spoiler alert! My husband and I fight, I get super annoyed with him. As a  mom, I lose my patience. We aren’t perfect. That’s ok though. If we were going to choose adoption. I would have to change my ways. What birth parent would willing choose a couple who fights, acts annoyed with one another and laughs at bodily functions?
I strive to be real 100% of the time. That’s why when we met our surrogate, I knew that surrogacy was for us. She knows we aren’t perfect. She doesn’t want to see us perfect. She knows we make mistakes, argue and she is okay with it. I know that she doesn’t judge those faults and count them as parenting fails. She knows that no matter the size of our home or bank account that this baby will be loved more than anything in the world.
I would have a pretty hard time trying to keep my smiling, cheery self for a birthmother and agency all the time. It would be exhausting. After all, I am only human.

This weekend was only the start of our surrogacy journey, yet, I am left feeling excited. Excited that the choice we made months ago to forego our adoption journey was the best choice. I’m feeling positive knowing that we are being authentic with the people involved in this intimate experience of having a baby.

My heart goes out to all those struggling with infertility, no matter which journey you feel is right for you. May your parenting dreams become a reality. Because that’s all that matters in the end.

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One thought on “Thoughts on Agency Adoption

  1. I really enjoyed reading your perspective particularly the part where you say what you thought you’d do on this journey you decide is not right and what you thought you wouldn’t do all of a sudden seems right. We have recently been told we likely can’t get pregnant on our own and that we should consider a GS. we always said if it came to a surrogate we would not consider it but it is now on the table. I’m glad you found a choice that seems a good fit for you and wish you luck!

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