just maybe….

I remember when my doctor and I talked about the need for a hysterectomy. The decision seemed easy, at the time my health was the most important thing. The idea of having a baby seemed distant. Heck, the conception process alone was going to be time consuming, rough on my ever aching pelvis and body…. It seemed like a no-brainer.

I was single… My health trumped it all.

Fast forward a few years, now an almost married woman, and someone with the ache to become a mom.

Thinking of the initial calls made still make me cry. I spoke with numerous agencies about adoption, we would need a lot of money. I dug deeper, surrogacy, even more expensive.  $35-40,000 seemed like a lot of money. Money we would not have for a long time, if ever.

Fast forward…. A married woman with her handsome groom.

If we were going to remain a happily married couple, spending that much money and stretching our monthly budget to that limit was not the option.

the exact moment of when the idea of fostering to adopt Came to us is a bit vague to me. It seemed logical. $35,000 was a lot of money. Free (little to no monetary cost) was enticing.

We created a plan, did significant research, spoke to our family, got disrespected by some, praised by others. Despite the culmination of feelings, we were doing it, fostering was our only logical option.

We opened our lives, secrets, home, and felt the most vulnerable I think we will ever feel in our entire lives. The paperwork was endless, the training was draining. Having a baby in our home was going to happen, but not before everything was exposed.

We were reassured, adoptions from foster care happen all the time. Biology wasn’t a necessity, a baby or child would happen from foster care.

Looking back now, I clearly didn’t research enough. I wanted a quick fix to calm my ache. I wanted to feel that endless love.

What I didn’t know, is that approximately only 10% of children are terminated rights from their parents. The odds of forever aren’t  in our favor.

I don’t have to remind you of our 3 failed placements. How 3 times we have lost a piece of our hearts. 3 boys hold them in the lower Michigan region. The battle we face on any given day is awful, the memories, emotional turmoil, the caseworkers who dictate us.

My heart hurts, I’m bitter, angry and sad. I am the one person I never wanted to be..The one thing I want so badly I cannot have.

There was once a time when $35,000 seemed like a lot. A set of numbers that maybe I overlooked too quickly…

Now, I’m not so sure,  what if $35,000 could get us a forever in a way we never imagined? Is it worth it? Maybe, just maybe it’s worth it?

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