Then there were none

With every ounce of me I am trying to hold it together.
Trying to make sense of the past almost year of our lives.
Desperately trying to understand, imagine, wrap my head around what is to come in the next 48 hours.

Chaotic is an understatement of our lives lately. Somewhere between juggling two kids, accepting a part time job (after being a SAHM all summer), quitting said part time job for a full time job at a school teaching ESL students, and establishing new routines, blogging about our journey took the back burner- my sincere apologies.
I assure you, there has not been too much excitement from the children in our home.

I have yet to write out Bug’s arrival or departure story. Bug was our first and each experience is note worthy- maybe later though.
Baby Bird has the same stories to write. For now, I will just touch on what has happened with Bird.

On August 15, our lives changed forever. Baby Bird left our nest to be with a relative placement. Losing one baby in May and another in August has by far been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I found that with the last loss, I am not the same. Life does not mean the same to me as it did before. There are times when I feel fine and other moments when I have to take a second to try and hold myself together. I was in no way prepared to feel what I have felt.

We recently learned that Bookworm’s siblings ( which are in another placement) are being moved to another county. Bookworm will be taking the journey with them. We will be losing bookworm by the end of the week.
Bookworm has not been placed with us very long. Just under 3 months to the date since this bouncing blonde hair blue eyed child walked into our home. He has come a long way and we are so proud of who he has become in the short time with us. He will be missed so much. I already hurt.
This will be the first time since Oct 12, 2013 that we will be just us. no diapers, bottles, middle of the night feeds, ped appointments, daycare drop offs/ pick ups. just two people who have memories of 3 amazing boys who made our house a home.
Honestly, I am not sure how things will be, where to begin in picking up the baby messes or which part of my house to clean first.
I do know that things will never be the same. Recovering from the losses of Summer 2014 will forever be etched in my aching heart.
As we learn to become a couple again, I ask for your patience, love and prayers as we work on our marriage and decide what our next step will be in this journey.


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