How can I be happy?

I don’t know what its like to wake up and be happy every morning.
Somehow, in my selfish mindset, I thought that having a baby in our home would make everything ok.
How can I be happy? The child that was chosen to be with us isn’t in our home because it had a happy life. The child in our home has had a pretty rough beginning and there is nothing to be happy about. When I sit and ponder what they have gone through prior to having us as parents, I realize that being sad and angry is the only natural response to feel.
Sometimes, my anger gets the best of me. I want to sit behind my computer all day and write letters to so many agencies, judges, counties and beyond to get my voice heard. NO CHILD should have to endure the ongoing process of being in foster care for longer than 6 months.
Yet, what they don’t tell you in preparing to become a foster parent, is that people who constantly do drugs, mess up, and prove to have emotional issues will get chances time and time again, because blood is thicker than adoption.
Our case with Baby bird is so stagnant, I am pretty sure bacteria is growing in the water. Each and every day I fall more in love with this little boy who has grown so much before my eyes. Each week I pass him to a caseworker who takes him to a visit with a woman he screams with the entire time, yet a judge still believes in her. I so desperately want to throw in the towel, yet I have no idea how to do it, or what my life would look like with no children.
Each passing day as my heart breaks into smaller pieces, I continue to wait. Patiently.. but, not without throwing a few tantrums along the way.

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