Tough days

There is nothing ordinary about our little family. On any given day, our lives can change from one simple phone call. Sometimes I wonder, Who would willing put themselves through this? The amount of time, chaos and uncertainty often drives me nuts! This wasn’t the plan. I never imagined attempting to become a parent this way. It was supposed to be simpler, less dramatic, more mainstream.
I want so badly to believe that our lives will begin to feel normal, that a forever baby is out there waiting for us.
There are days when I wake up and love my life. I love the current child in my home, I adore our caseworker and hope fills my heart.
Then, there are days when I want to cry, kick, and throw my phone in the lake. The days are full of bad calls, poor choices, and birth parents who are not making the progress one would hope for.

Sometimes my heart aches so badly. The heartache that my husband and I have felt is unlike anything we have ever felt before. The world feels like its against us, keeping us from happiness, keeping us from forever.
Losing bug replays in my mind almost daily. Sometimes I think I see him, hear him cry for me, and I imagine he is still here with us, but just not here. It’s tough, because in reality, he was never mine to keep. Its hard to lose what you never had.
I am glad that the tough days are seldom and that the good days are frequent. It gives me hope that someday it will be our turn, that the phone will ring and the perfect scenario will present itself and life will be exactly how I imagined.

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